This blog is a continuation of what used to be my two previous wordpress blogs. Although I gave E the link to my second blog after deleting the first when he found it, I have realized that I can’t actually write what I want to when I know he will be reading it. It also makes me nervous, since I never know what the consequences will be. I don’t know if what I’ve written causes him to act the way he does, or if it’s something else. In other words ~ it’s frustrating as shit. I just don’t want to have everything matter so much to me. I wrote some dramatic stuff in my last post on my current/old blog and subsequently have been ignored and felt ashamed, proving my own point that I can’t say what I want without feeling that it has repercussions that I didn’t mean for it to have.
But anyway, to introduce myself, I am a 20 year old female college student and switch. I began a strange relationship with the guy I call E here during my first year of school, and have spent the past 2 years discovering the realities of BDSM and figuring out more about myself. E runs from me constantly, and after one night or only a few days of talking, I always manage to get silence or anger/annoyance from him. I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore, but I also can’t seem to give up or walk away. He’s one of the most intriguing/interesting/amazing people I’ve ever met, in the strangest ways, and although I can’t seem to get him to spend time with me I also can’t seem to convince myself that anyone else is any better.
I’m not very good at saying what I actually mean, and I generally come off as rude or strange. So as a warning, if you leave a comment I probably won’t respond. I’ll try to, drafting several responses, before realizing I don’t sound like myself and then giving up. I’m working on it! The funny thing is that nothing can make me as happy as knowing that someone is actually reading what I write, and connecting to it. I have spent a lot of time in my life feeling upset and unwanted, and although I’ve gotten over that I still appreciate feeling desired more than most. I find writing and blogging is incredibly cathartic for me, and I can’t seem to sort my thoughts out properly without it.
To actually start writing, I got drunk last night and texted E. Nothing involved enough that I would feel embarrassed if he didn’t respond. Just, Pet. I was hoping he would respond. With anything at all, really. Even the stupid “hmm?”s that he sends that send chills down my spine. My dreams of him haven’t stopped since they began 2 and some weeks ago, and when I talk to him, they aren’t as bad. Aren’t as vivid and as addicting. But I didn’t get a response, and had to spiral down into dream land alone, knowing he’d be waiting there, reminding me that I’m horribly hopeless and can’t escape my own mind. I just wanted to say hi, but who knows what he thought I was trying to say with that. My close friend was over, and she scolded me for texting him at all. She told me that she had actually found my blog the week before, while scrolling through wordpress blogs. She didn’t read it, and she said the only reason she recognized it was because I had told her I use the name **** as a euphemism, and that it was tagged as BDSM. I showed her my last post, and asked if reading that was meaningful or if I am just full of dramatic bullshit. She said my writing was beautifully tragic (my favorite! I seriously have an immense love of tragedy. it’s so poetic and graceful to me. nice and depressing, apparently my specialty) and that I shouldn’t care if he read it, since if I was telling the truth it shouldn’t matter. I suppose she’s right, but I also just want to stop fucking caring so much. Nothing has ever stung so much, hurt so much, destroyed me so much. And I like it, at the end of the day. It feels real. It feels like it means something. Maybe that why I’m so broken. Because I know that I should work on fixing myself, but I like it too much to try.
I suppose this is one of the reasons I enjoy BDSM so much. Everything feels so much sharper and builds so much faster. It’s breathtaking. The most frustrating part is that with all of E’s running, we’ve only played I think 10 times. The first time was May 2011, and the last on January 4. Sigh. This is one of the hardest things for me. When I think about the amount of time we’ve actually spent together and the amount of time I’ve spent thinking about him, I look like a creepyfuck. It’s pathetic, that he means so much to me. I also learned recently that he’s hooked up with 3 other girls in that time, and liked many more as well. I just can’t fucking compete. I don’t mean anything to him. Fuck that feels miserable.
HI – I like what you do. I just have to say though you are still really young – and I speak as someone who remembers very keenly the time of life you are in now as a time when I seized control of my life, and to some extent my very confused sexuality for myself. I am also a masochist – you are not a creepyfuck, really not. You are figuring stuff out. Please do not do multiple drafts of a reply to this – there is no need (I am just another slave, so no need to be careful).
So what I am saying in a confused way is that I think maybe D… is concerned about you, and is trying to be careful for you. I am thinking he is rather older than you – and he is right to be careful. You are growing so fast that you are overtaking aspects of him and his life I suspect. And yes, it is important to keep this anonymous – in fact, I would remove the word you use for him from your blog and replace it with D – he will find it otherwise. It is not a matter of being secretive – it is a matter of having a space to talk about your feelings.
And as I say if what I am saying is stupid feel free to say so. I will not be offended. But I hope I am opening a conversation that might be helpful to you…esp if others join in. take care in this and all relationships. I speak as one who has suffered much from my masochism and its secrets and shame, I wish you good luck with your journey…I really do
Hmm thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it a lot. And I did replace his name, since I know I don’t want to have to start over again and you’re right, he’d probably find it.
Can you explain what you mean by saying that I am “overtaking aspects of him and his life”? He’s a year older than me in school, 2 and a little bit years older in actual age.
The funny things is, I don’t feel like I’m growing at all. I feel like I’m just repeating the same thing over and over again. Every time I think I’m stronger, I still fall into embarrassment and just hating myself for getting back into the same situation. Of course these conversations always help me as well though, since somehow when someone else tells you that you shouldn’t be embarrassed, it means a whole lot more than me telling myself.
If you’d like to post anonymously, you’d be very welcome here: http://kisskaleidos.wordpress.com/.
What I mean is you are analytical, and as a result it sounds to me that you are eclipsing him, and growing beyond him. Your point that you feel you are in a loop is probably an example of what I mean – your masochism is a growth and exploration and journey. He may not be keeping up.
Now another bit of this is the stuff that is holding you back, your fears, your awkwardnesses. But more than that, you are starting to analyse if you want him to have multiple partners or not – and if so, where you fit into that. It is clear to me that you are not a jealous person (I am not either, and my partner has had a long relationship with someone else some years ago), but you do need to know that you are on that person’s map, that you matter. It is one thing to be a sub, it is another thing to be disregarded.
And I am entirely serious in saying that at 20 you still have choices. You can potentially shift it, and push it into spaces that are love-rich, although from memory at 20 it was too late too stop being a masochist. Your youth though is a richness, and you can make better use of it than I did (I used to just ask old men if they wanted to fuck me, and mostly they would take me to their house and be unable to do it). I am sure you can do better than that…I was pretty wrecked I must say.
Have I answered you? I am not sure. To repeat, please do not edit your reply to me – I am just another sub….not worth the trouble (and from my end, I would rather hear what you shoot with first, rather than some careful reply). take care, I love your integrity.