I decide to post most of what I wrote here about E on the blog that he can actually read. All of it – even the pieces that I don’t want him to actually know. I knew that what I had written here was actually true, simply because I hadn’t written it for him to see. So I posted it, and decided that it was a good thing that I was telling the “truth,” even if it meant that he would stop checking my blog. Actually, I don’t know what I thought it would make him do…I just felt like I was sending a clear message that I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore.
But put simply, that’s a total lie. Everything I wrote was to make myself feel better. Feel stronger. Feel like I wasn’t falling apart. Yes, I am bored with being rejected, but I would still give anything to change our situation and get him to stop pushing me away. If he would push for me, want me, let me take what I want from him, I would fold in seconds.
The good news is, I know he never will fight for me. I know we’re finished and that he won’t try again since I basically just told him not to. I thought today about the fact that I won’t get to know anything about his life anymore, and I had this moment of instant panic when I realized what I had just done. I won’t get to know where he goes to grad school or how he is doing at the end of this year. Then again, I don’t think I ever really knew anything about him anyway.
I’ve never lied purposefully, but I keep trying to lie to myself to get myself out of this. Who likes to feel attracted to someone who keeps telling you to go the fuck away? It’s miserable and I wish I wasn’t here, but I am. I don’t choose this. I don’t, but I can’t seem to change it either. After that post, E really did stop checking my blog. I asked for it. Living with our decisions is something we all have to come to terms with, and I guess I’m growing up a little bit every time I accept what I’ve said and what I’ve done.
You are not full of shit. I know what you mean – I find it easy to describe myself in those terms too. Compared to me you are an angel. First things first – you have really tried to be honest with him, and you are struggling to articulate what you really feel about stuff. I have been in a version of this years ago, and I wrecked it too. Miscommunication. I wish I could go back and un-say some things I said. But I cannot, and nor can you.
I admire the fact that you are facing honestly a situation where you think (but you do not yet know for sure) that he is not attracted to you. I would bet it is the complexity that is doing his head in. And his space is not easy either. I know that as a masochist male it is weird enough – but if you are a male dom then people find that hard to understand too, I am sure. So I do not know if I would give up. Why not make contact again, and try a new kind of start? If it cannot restart with him, well there are other men out there, as you well know.
But to come back to your central idea – you are struggline, I know, but you are a decent person, honest and trying to say it as it is. I admire that in anyone – including you!